I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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