You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
