and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
