I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
