Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
