Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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