I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
