You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
