so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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