He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
