I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
