I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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