Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
