they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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