I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
