My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Randomize
