Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
