this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
