it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
