The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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