Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
