i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
