After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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