nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
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