How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
