I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
