He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
