the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
