He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
