If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
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