ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
