dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
