I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
