mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
