i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
