we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
