hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
