So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
