she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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