i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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