omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
