I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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