his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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