They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
