Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
