I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Girls should come with a carfax report
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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