:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
