"it" just moved
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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