She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
