remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
